WORK HURT
A former grad school classmate and now good friend of mine and I were talking one day about the intricacies of trying to make your mark in the corporate game when she introduced me to the term “Work Hurt.” This was several years ago, but I knew I’d write about it one day because it’s a topic that many can relate to.
Today’s post (admittedly a longer one that I started writing shortly after that conversation) is about a few ways that work hurt shows up over time. Perhaps you’ll recognize or find similarities from your own career journey—one that you’re currently experiencing, or one that you’ve escaped, overcome and been delivered from through grit, resilience, healing and a whole lot of prayer. A common thread is that these experiences shift your perspective—sometimes leaving you wounded long after you’ve fixed your ruffled feathers and flown free like a (previously) caged bird. Yes, Maya, I know why the caged bird sings.
“I remember getting to the point where I was driving to work and not even remembering how I got there because I’d be so deep in thought about what I’d have to endure that day. ”
MANAGERS BEHAVING BADLY
Been there. Experienced that. And I wish this kind of trauma on no one. I will admit to being deeply wounded early in my career by a former manager who never ever should’ve been a manager of others. Period. She was insecure, duplicitous, divisive and downright toxic…among other things. But as life sometimes goes, some people move up in positions of leadership because of who they know (or who they’ve threatened to take down because of what they know about senior leaders), and this situation was no exception. One day she’d sing my praises: “You’re like my Oprah.” Other days she’d make ignorant comments like, “Hey Ayanna, do you eat fried chicken?” [No.] “Oh, I thought ALL Black people ate friend chicken.” Before actually becoming a manager, she bounced into my office one day and said, “I’m taking you to lunch today for National Secretary’s Day.” It was obvious that she wanted to elicit a negative response because I was a Marketer, not a Secretary, and this was a gesture in our organization initiated by leaders for their administrative staff. I simply responded, “1. I’m not a Secretary and 2. I don’t work for you.”
It was a push and pull between good and evil—she was the person who remembered everyone’s birthday, and she was also the person who would instruct me to stay in the office and "man the phones” when there was an important planning meeting with leadership; meetings that I was normally present in as a Marketer on high-visibility projects (prior to her new role, of course). Imagine that. One day, it got back to me that the leadership team asked during an outdoor planning meeting, “Where’s Ayanna?” Her response: “Oh, she stayed in the office because she didn’t want to be in the sun.” Right.
ATTEMPTS TO SILENCE YOU
As long as I sat back and didn’t question anything, all was well. The moment I became curious about things that were directly related to my job, she would come undone. [Let me just pause and say that this seems to be a common theme for many women and men of color that I’ve talked to over the years. We’re supposed to accept whatever, whenever (even malarkey) as if we aren’t logical and critical thinkers capable of seeing through the BS that we experience due to biases, inequities and lies we are told].
This manager had a way of being manipulative, yet pretending to be supportive in front of leaders and internal/external stakeholders who knew and valued my work ethic. I never knew which version of her I’d be met with, and I remember getting to the point where I was driving to work and not even remembering how I got there because I’d be so deep in thought about what I’d have to endure that day. The most vivid comparison I can conjure is the woman (or man) who hosts a dinner gathering with family and friends, is super engaging and the life of the party—but as soon as the last guest leaves they become a terror for their spouse. Lifetime movie, anyone? The Three Faces of Eve? I could go on and on, but just thinking about that experience is triggering something in me that I’m too emotionally fatigued to unpack.
The wounds have never fully healed, but I’ve always known in my gut that someday I’d be able to help someone because of my experience. And in the words of Oprah, ‘This I know for sure’: Once you’ve been through certain experiences, you recognize those behaviors in others as soon as you’re faced with them—directly or indirectly. Back then, I wanted to see the best in people because I understood that hurt people, hurt people. During humble moments (though rare), she’d share traumatic experiences endured as a child, and I would always fall into the trap of feeling sorry for her, which in turn resulted in me letting my guard down thinking maybe she couldn’t help who she was. Beliefs, biases, duplicitous spirit and all. And every time, I got burned. Looking back, I think it was all part of the manipulation game that toxic people play.
Have I seen similar behaviors in the workplace since that experience? Absolutely—though more discreet and packaged in a different way (sometimes with a smile). Unfortunately, I’ve observed leaders who seem to get off on creating division within teams. When that happens, it doesn’t make for a fun or comfortable environment and, instead, creates one filled with dysfunction and less productivity. It takes a lot of mental energy to show up daily surrounded by people that have underhanded motives.
UNDERMINED, DEVALUED AND OVERLOOKED
I don’t know which is worse—working for someone whom you clearly cannot trust, or working for leaders whose interests are completely self-serving. They have no interest in the growth, professional development or recognition of all members of the team, which becomes apparent as you observe inconsistencies and patterns in how some are positioned and groomed for exposure and elevation over time. They only care about what makes them look good or what will help propel them to the next level but not so much about how they can also help you grow. Based on what I’ve seen and heard, sometimes self-serving looks like this: They will use others to undermine you, or say whatever it takes to win your loyalty and strong work ethic, with no intention to follow through. And once they’ve used you up for their personal gain, you’re no longer of value to them.
Regardless of your track record, you’re only as good as the last thing you did for some leaders, and they’re quick to provide negative feedback while rarely ever providing praise and recognizing successes, problems solved or solutions implemented. They will nitpick, attempt to make you appear incompetent and throw you under the bus in a heartbeat (classic tactic of gaslighters as I have come to learn). Yet, the bar is lowered for others, and the minor things are celebrated both privately and publicly.
If you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself supporting the kind of leadership that acknowledges what you bring to the table, and recognizes not just the work you currently do, but your potential as well. Unfortunately, some leaders will see you in one way and keep you in that box (you may be talented in many areas, but no one cares). As a result, I have learned that if you’re not intentional, your personal brand will be defined by decision-makers who don’t have your best interest at heart, and it may not always be accurate, complimentary or aligned with the things that your leadership team and important stakeholders value. In the words of a very wise uncle of mine who successfully navigated the game for 52 years: “Some leaders have plans to widen the executive team’s perception of you [regardless of your level] and cast a fog of concern to stifle your climb further up the management chain.” And that leads me to another kind of experience.
BACKSTABBING COLLEAGUES, DIRECT REPORTS OR LEADERS
Had I never witnessed this with my eyes or empathetically listened as friends, family and colleagues have vented over the years, my desire to want to see the good in people would not have allowed me to believe that grown women and men actually wake up in the morning, leave their homes, enter the workplace (or log in virtually) and operate this way. One of my biggest lessons learned (the hard way) is that some people just don’t have good intentions professionally. While discussing this once with a therapist, she asked me point-blank: “Why is it hard for you to accept that Rose* just may not be a good person?” It was a question that caused me to pause. As in Exhibit A above (Managers Behaving Badly), these are the people who eventually end up becoming managers and leaders of others and create toxic work environments. It’s demoralizing when bad behaviors are rewarded at the expense of true professionals who just want to show up daily, do meaningful work, make an impact and accelerate their career.
DISCRIMINATION
With all that has happened out loud over the course of the past couple of years (and the years prior), we’ve seen plenty examples of what this looks like in the workplace (here are 12 types). If you’re unsure on the steps to take to protect and stand up for yourself, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) provides an overview of things you need to consider.
ROADBLOCKS: DOUBLE STANDARDS, DENIED PROMOTIONS, RAISES, BONUSES AND GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES
I participated in a webinar two summers ago sponsored by the Executive Leadership Council (ELC), and it literally felt like mid-day therapy as one experience after another was shared by attendees specifically dealing with these issues. Sadly, we could all relate in some way or the other. While I fully understand that the following are not exclusive to minorities (I’ve met great colleagues and leaders across demographics who can relate), these were the top 10 recurring themes experienced specifically by Black women and men on the call.
Passed over for promotions yet being required to train the less qualified
And being asked to mentor colleagues (or watching colleagues be mentored) but not being afforded similar, intentional mentorship opportunities by those in leadership.Being told that you need more experience—but given no clarity or meaningful, objective feedback on what that looks like
Oftentimes, we are required to check all the boxes. We could check 4 out of 5 and that one area will be cited as the reason that we don’t get the job or promotion. Meanwhile, hiring managers and decision-makers will take a chance on your less experienced colleagues above and hire/promote them into roles that they didn’t check off all (or even most) of the boxes.Being deserving of a title change/promotion, but the criteria consistently changing to get there
A.K.A. moving the goal postActually doing the job, but being told that you’re not qualified
Imagine receiving a rejection letter from HR for a job that you are highly qualified for—even worse, one that you’re already doing. Yet, those who seemingly hold your future in their hands can create a narrative and find any reason to justify not promoting some, yet making the path to promotion clear and seamless for others, with shortened windows, through newly created positions and hands-on grooming. I’ve experienced a scenario where I heard it repeatedly stated, “This is XYZ organization…we can do what we want to do.” That is, until it came to positioning minorities for next-level opportunities. Some are told that they have to do the job before they can get the job (promotion). All the while, doing the job and watching other people be promoted “because they deserved it” while personally being required to continuously do one more thing to prove your worth.Downplaying or being highly critical of your work product, contributions and recommendations
Yet celebrating mediocrity, giving “passes” or making excuses/exceptions for others (and celebrating your strategic recommendations when they come from your manager or someone who doesn’t look like you).Displays of microaggressions and gaslighting during conversations and interactions with senior leaders
You may be labeled a problem (or not a team player) when you call it out and made to feel as if you’re being negative, imagining things or being hyper-sensitive, or sometimes being told that your “tone” makes your boss, colleagues, customers or direct reports uncomfortable.Being told (or implied to others) that you’re not a good “cultural fit” for the role/department
Code language: You’re not like us…you’re hard to get to know…etc.Implication that you lack executive presence (more code language)
Meanwhile, some executives show up to work in yoga pants, have nasty attitudes, zero leadership, people skills or emotional intelligence…and some make damaging mistakes that cost the company money (mistakes that would be career-ending if the tables were turned because we’re not always given the leeway to “fail fast” and make mistakes without repercussions).You have to go to grow
I’ve personally heard this from more colleagues and friends than I care to admit (because this was their reality). Whether it’s leaving the department or the company, it becomes painfully clear that sponsorship and elevation won’t happen where you are, so you move on after having bent over backwards to demonstrate your value, work ethic and commitment to the team, the company and the work to be done. Meanwhile, your peers are “growing” like a wildfire through multiple promotions right where they are. I’ve stopped counting the number of times that I’ve heard (or watched) this story play out. Leaders can’t justify promoting some to the level that they’re already performing, yet newly created positions make it possible for others to walk into or grow into an elevated role.“Glass Cliff” Assignments…Promoted but not empowered…Set up to fail
My father recently shared an interesting LinkedIn post with me that put a name on the collective experiences of several attendees on the ELC call. I had never heard the term “glass cliff” assignments, but it 100% resonated because I’ve seen how this plays out for those who are elevated into Unimportant, Impossible and Controversial roles only to be set up for failure, while counterparts are groomed for success from day one. [I applaud the woman who shared the post and has committed to calling this out in the future.] When you know better, you do better.
HEALING THROUGH THE HURT
Although the scenarios above are just a few examples of real experiences, I didn’t want to end this post on a hopeless note. While everyone navigates work hurt in his or her own way, here’s how three high-performers that I personally know overcame or dealt with their experiences:
“Bad leadership has a cascading effect. I had to learn how to be humble, speak up for myself and be professional in spite of how I felt. Also, once you get so uncomfortable, you have to move.”
Survival Mode - Joui*, 48, shared how she was up for a promotion in which her leadership had the authority to either appoint her into the role or require that she go through the formal recruiting process. Instead, they brought in another woman at two levels higher than what the role called for. To add salt to the wound, she was consistently told by her leadership team: ‘And don’t let her fail.’ After processing the hurt, Joui went into survival mode and shifted her focus from pouring her all into the job to taking care of self. Eventually, her new manager promoted her and they had a great working relationship—that is, until toxic senior leaders (including her boss’s boss) started to get into her boss’s head, repeatedly stating that Joui was “too visible” in her role. These leaders worked to pit the two ladies against one another to the point that her manager started treating her like she could no longer be trusted, which was hurtful considering that she had always had her manager’s back. Over time, it took her manager’s husband to put things in perspective (for her manager) and help her see how she had fallen into a trap. He asked her, If Joui always had your back before, why would that change now? This newfound clarity was instrumental in the relationship being repaired, and they were able to continue the partnership and rapport that had been established early on with no additional outside interference.
How I dealt with the situation:
“I went into survival mode and focused on me.”
What I learned from this experience: “Bad leadership has a cascading effect. I had to learn how to be humble, speak up for myself and be professional in spite of how I felt. Also, once you get so uncomfortable, you have to move.”
“Fortunately, I ended up getting a new manager who was super supportive. She came from the outside and wasn’t into politics. ”
Sponsorship in the Midst of Corporate Politics - Solomon*, 45, was also up for a promotion when he was double-crossed by two women that he really respected. One was someone whom he’d been working with for a very long time, supporting her on projects over the years. He reported to her indirectly, and they were rock stars together—until she made it known that she wanted to promote one of his direct reports who was more “flunky” than promotion material. From Solomon’s perspective, this was a classic example of unconscious bias (He’s not ready, but we’re going to give him a chance. Yet, here I am ready for promotion). Solomon expressed his concerns to the second woman who was a lead partner in his firm and senior to his boss. He felt comfortable talking to her and seeking advice on how to approach the situation based on their personal history. She advised him on what to say and suggested that he circle back to let her know how things went. As he was sharing his perspective during a phone call with the first woman (whom he didn’t officially report to), his trusted advisor texted her, telling everything they had talked about. His rock star partner then told him that it was clear that they had something else to talk about. She viewed Solomon’s seeking advice elsewhere as stabbing her in the back. After it became clear that his trusted advisor had gone behind Solomon’s back, she tried to discredit and keep him from getting his own promotion by withdrawing her support. When his direct report was eventually promoted (but he was not), Solomon filed a complaint, which resulted in him being retaliated against. After consistently having stellar performance reviews, he was placed on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP).
How I dealt with the situation: “Fortunately, I ended up getting a new manager who was super supportive. She came from the outside and wasn’t into politics. She said this is wrong and fought back for me. I also had another group of partners who I had worked with, and they disagreed with the situation and offered support even though they were in a different practice. Many Black people left the firm but called on their internal networks to say, You need to be aware of this situation. They left because there were systemic issues dealing with people of color. They didn’t have support and ended up being let go, or they left on their own. [My network] was adamant about me staying and being the martyr for everyone else. Multiple factors helped my situation.”
What I learned from this experience: “Many things. You have to have sponsorship outside of your normal base...you can’t get your eggs from one basket. Had I only dealt with people in my practice, I would have been F***ED. Instead, I had a good system outside and they were able to influence and course correct. You can’t do things on your own…you need professional and personal support from a relationship perspective. You can’t take on those battles by yourself. You need the support of your foundation and people around you. Sometimes you have to humble yourself and ask for help—whether personal or professional. I’m not the most humble person, so that was hard for me.”
“I was going through a divorce, was financially insecure [and dealing with] the physical and emotional stress. I feared retaliation...Although I wouldn’t say I overcame the hurt in this experience, I can say that time heals all wounds. I learned how to cover my scars and press through.”
Covered Scars and Pressing Through - Maria*, 47, was one of the top-performing leaders in her organization, consistently exceeding sales goals year over year, and bringing home substantial bonuses. She had just returned from an all-expense paid tropical vacation for top performers (followed by another dynamic year) when nine months later she received a below average annual performance review. Prior to this time, she had consistently earned stellar reviews. She was stunned when she saw the low rating and questioned the discrepancy. Maria was equally stunned when she was simply told by her manager, whom she had considered a friend, that it was “a business decision.” When Maria said, “Well, you have to tell me what I did,” and asked why she wasn’t put on an improvement plan if her performance was so terrible, he would only say that he was forced to give her the rating, and his boss was forced as well to support it.
How I dealt with the situation: “Ultimately, I dealt with it internally, and it caused me physical illness. It was stressful. I was denied my bonus, so I filed a complaint with HR and I looked into going beyond HR to the EEOC because HR conducted a trumped up internal investigation, and they didn’t provide me with any clarity around the issue. But because of where I was in my life, I was not up for the fight. I was going through a divorce, was financially insecure [and dealing with] the physical and emotional stress. I feared retaliation.”
What I learned from this experience: “Oddly enough, I don’t think I was aware of the office politics [as a star performer]. It was the first time that I ever dealt with racism, and it was the first time that I had experienced an abuse of power in the workplace. I learned that people will really smile in your face and stab you in the back. I had no support system to fall back on. Although I wouldn’t say I overcame the hurt in this experience, I can say that time heals all wounds. I learned how to cover my scars and press through.”
As I conclude this post, here’s my advice…
Seek Therapy - From personal experience, I believe it’s so important to release those toxic emotions, and learn successful strategies to fall back on because there will inevitably come a day when you’re triggered because of past or recurring experiences in your current environment. And guess what? Being triggered doesn’t necessarily mean that something is happening to you. Sometimes it happens when you observe other people around you being screwed. Although it’s not commonly talked about, workplace depression is real. So do yourself a favor and find a good therapist if leaving your situation isn’t an option or your choice for the time being. Here’s another tip: Some employers will pay for a few complimentary therapy sessions and/or reimburse you for ongoing sessions through Flexible Spending Accounts (FSA). Save those receipts and submit those reimbursements.
Find healthy outlets that allow you to decompress or utilize your talents and energy outside of work
For me, it’s playing tennis, reading books, writing and freelancing.Document. Document. Document.
Because some leaders, colleagues or direct reports will play games with your career and create untrue or exaggerated narratives that impact you during annual performance reviews (as was both Solomon’s and Maria’s situation above). Sometimes there will be a push to drive you away through retaliation, intimidation, micromanaging and underhanded tactics, with the goal to make your job intolerable and no longer enjoyable. Don’t rely on memory. Exercise the power of the pen and focus on the facts.Pick and choose your battles
But call a thing a thing when it’s important enough to you. Some leadership teams want to hear that everything is good all the time, but the reality is…sometimes it’s not—especially if there isn’t truly a safe space to have candid conversations about experiences that some will never have to face or think twice about. Proceed with caution because some will hear legitimate concerns with no desire to understand or rectify.Don’t compromise your integrity
Because what doesn’t come out in the wash, comes out in the rinse…eventually.Put on your rose-colored glasses
Remember your why. Drown the noise. Keep the main thing the main thing. When people show you who they are, believe them. Let it go.Don’t let a closed door keep you from trying again
And don’t let the wrongs of a few take you outside of yourself, or change you for the worse. The goal is to become better, not bitter (hence, why a good therapist or professional coach is sometimes necessary in the professional toolkit). Sometimes there’s a lesson to be learned: Rejection is God’s protection.When they go low, we go high
Enough said. Thank you, Michelle Obama.
*Names have been changed
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If you can relate to any of the above (or have experienced your own form of work hurt), how did you persevere? Let’s help the next person going through. Leave your comment below.
P.S. Let me know if you need a good recommendation for a therapist. #wellbeing